Admittedly it does help to have a friend or loved one close by that can support you and help you see that YOU CAN but today was one of those days. Even after speaking to my husband in Nigeria on the phone, I realised I did not have that kind of support at the moment, even though I felt I needed it. The conversation went more along the lines of, "what's wrong with you woman? You've things to do so get out of bed and go do it. It's no good staying in bed and complaining about it". Yeah thanks.
So... I got angry at my husband for being so far away and seemingly useless and I decided on my own; not that I CAN, but that I WILL. This was against everything I was feeling at that moment hence my tweet: "There's only one person can get you out of a rut. That's you. I'm climbing today. Will blog my progress later. Turn this sh*t around".
I started where I was (got out of bed), using what I had (my body) and doing what I could... whatever that was going to be. (Note: still scared at this point that I might start running and just not be able to do it)!
So here I am, blogging my progress as promised.
I haven't even written a blog post for 3 weeks. That speaks volumes. Yes I have been busy but really, I've been feeling a bit lost. My marathon training had been going so well. I felt awesome. You only need to read some of my earlier blog posts such as Trail Half Marathon: My first experience to pick up on how on-top-of-this-world I was feeling. And well, re-reading that post, I can only say that bottle of cava will have to wait.
I won't be running the Munich marathon next week. For the last three weeks, I have been pondering over whether I will ever even run again. The first Doctor I visited certainly didn't seem too optimistic. However, I took a second opinion and accepted an appointment to see Dr Christian Beck . Now this guy knew what he was doing and how to handle a non-German speaking, potentially depressed runner-that-can't-run like me! He looked over the MRI photos of my hip and immediately told me there is nothing wrong with my hip. My back is the problem.
This does not mean I can run the Munich marathon but what it does mean is that I can run again at some point... and this was Monday. Dr Beck was telling me to try running at the weekend. Believe me, this was the difference between, "you will never run again" and "go run!" He turned me on my side, swung my right leg over my left and CRACK. That was that sorted! Then the other side. I have to stretch in a similar position five times per day for the coming weeks, before and after running, but there is no reason why I cannot run.
So why the big deal? Why didn't I just go out and run again? What's the rut I have been trying to climb out of all day? Here you go:
1) I'm still gutted that I can't do the Munich marathon. I wanted it so much. (I know, get over it. I'm trying).
2) Running did more than keep me fit; it kept my mind in good order while Alex has been away in Nigeria since May. Until last weekend, I had not seen him for 53 days. That's a long time in any marriage, but it is an eternity as 'newly weds'. (It's been just over a year since our wedding).
3) I feel really rather lost and lonely. I guess point 2 (above) is not helping with that one but it is weird; take away my running program and I find it difficult to keep a routine and any kind of motivation for anything at all, outside work.
Did I make progress? Yes. I did.
1) I am writing this blog post!
2) I did my laundry, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed throughout the apartment, changed the bed-clothes and tidied up. (This will help clear my mind as well as the apartment!)
3) All of this came after... I WENT RUNNING. There were some down-sides to the run which I'm not going to dwell on because the fact is, I ran 5km today and considering I attempted 3km a couple of weeks ago which resulted in me limping home in tears, this is a huge positive step in the right direction.
I started where I was - recovering from injury, missing my husband and miserable.
I used what I had - lacking my husband to give me the support I thought I needed (let's face it, it would have helped!), I used me. Me, my mind and I. Arthur Ashe said, "Do what YOU can"; not do what someone else can do for you.
So... I did what I CAN - I turned this sh*t around. I RAN.